1. You're beautiful
2. You're surely very pleasant to live with, brilliant, funny, expressive and sensitive
3. You are also (I guess) a nice lover
4. You should take life more like an adult and forget about your fucking-teen-fancy-crazy attitude... (which is also lovely by the way) and face the reality
5. And find a serious man...
6. I know some girls like you, same style, all of them were unhappy until they found a man, usually older than they are...
I'm afraid to take myself seriously. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of myself and what I may and may not do. The fear cripples me and renders me immobile. There is no one to believe in me and love me and support me and help me. Only me myself and I. I don't want to rely on anyone else, but it's so hard, no, near impossible alone and I'm so, so tired of being strong.
I would rather die than turn to him. Really. I will hate him, and I will hate myself if I do. I'd rather suffer, I'd rather have my heart ripped to shreds than ever, ever show him my heart again. I hate him so much because of my love. This love is really killing me.
OK, here's an update of my life to everyone who doesn't care... Here's an extract of an e-mail from me to a friend I know, she and I have been talking online for about a month or so, she added my fanfiction I Don't Like the Catcher in the Rye (go read!!
), a RK fic based mainly on Aoshi and Misao's relationship, set in modern Kyoto...
So anyway at e end the chapter I'm refering to is this fic, I'm very diligently updating this... I promised myself at LEAST 1 chapter a week, I used to update twice weekly, but i started work training last week with StarHub, it's 8:30am to about 5pm everyday, so it's super tiring and I don't have enough time to write, as indicated at e end of e e-mail!
Anyway, this doesn't really have any point aside from me wanting to keep tabs on my life, haha, it's more for myself than anything, so to all the people who don't care: Ha!
ah, haha ok it's ok :) Hope you're enjoying school... Haha... I know I'm not missing much, as tiring as work is, it's still infinitely better than school, although there ARE some perks to school, like not having to put in real effort, and your performance not having to be near perfect all the time. Work right now is super fun because it's computer based, and i'm quite good with computers, so I generally pay on 30% attention and still can do it near perfectly... hahah... I even help out my colleagues all of e time and i can answer almost all questions.
Anyway, life so far is okay. I'm seeing way too little of my boyfriend than I'd prefer, haiz, only about once a week, twice if I'm lucky and 3 times if i'm EXTRA lucky... But yesterday we went out and caught a movie, Ratatouille, it's super nice!!! Go watch it if it's (still?) showing there and you haven't already... Hee...
Then after that we chilled out near his house and then went home! I reached home about 12am, and went online to talk to him because his phone just died and it's in repair so the only way we can communicate now is online... We ended up staying till about 1:30, which was when he went to bed... Haha and I continued staying up to near 3:30am I think, which is BAD because I woke at 7am this morning argh, 3 and a half hours of sleep makes me hyper in a bad way... I'm so gonna pay for it later... Long day today too, tonight after work i have to teach tuition to a small girl, tiiired...
But during that time i can write my fanfic tho, so hopefully you guys will have a chapter up by then, I know i'm SUPER late... I feel super guilty about it too, only one more week to the end of my training so after that you'll see an influx of chapters to make up for it, promise!
OK I'm gonna sign off now... Haha I'm done ranting about myself :P
These past few days I've been acutely aware of how friendless I am. Aside from Greg, I have, well, no one to talk to really. Absolutely no one. I'm not a particularly social person, that's definitely true, and part of my loneliness is not really being able to find, well, anyone to talk to.
So I'm kinda lonely. I wish there were any way around this, but, well, there really isn't, and the few people I used to call friends, I just can't connect with anymore, because I've changed so much, and we've drifted too far.
I know, it's not like me a post such a depressing post, but, well, haha, something new for a change!
- Music:Red Hot Chili Pepers - Dani California
I think I look super pretty in this picture :D The reason I can post such an egoistical post is because I know I'm not pretty, therefore I have a right to gloat :)
I love flattering lighting and crappy phone camera quality :D
- Music:Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Child
You know, I know this is totally illogical, but, I don't trust people who write in their their journals/blogs regularly.
Yes, I know, it sounds stupid, but hear me out first before you flame me.
I don't mean people who keep a daily record of what they do, how the day went etc, some people actually can be bothered and I'm cool with that, I respect that. All the best to you if you can do that.
Now, I understand people sometimes turn to their journals as a place of solace to write their inner most feelings etc, and if you choose to make it public, okay, fine, go ahead. Some people don't mind total strangers reading their inner most thoughts. At most, maybe they have a few good friends who know of it, that is fine as well.
What I truly don't trust is people who have blogs where the whole class knows that they have it, they advertise it in their MSN nicks or whatever, and then in their blogs they write annoying, cryptic, emo shit like 'I'm feeling so down right now but I'm not gonna tell you all why, it's private' or little lines at the end of entries obviously to one person like 'how could you do such a thing to me?' and leavin it there. Doesn't that kinda bloody defeat the whole purpose of a blog, and really, how dramatic can you get.
Also annoying are people who advertise their blogs on their nicks, but I think I already mentioned that.
And people who bitch about people they know in their blogs without mentioning names, and I mean when they bitch about someone whom they have mutual friends with who will tell the person who you bitched about that you bitched about them.
Blog linking is an amazing thing. With enough time and perseverence, you can find pretty much anyone's blog just by finding ONE friend who somehow knows people who know that person. I always thought it was a bit silly, but yeah, whatever man.
I think my argument was pretty messily presented and all over the place, but frankly I don't care.
You may argue that I only dare to say this because no one knows my journal, and maybe you're right. But I like to rant, and my rants can be offensive to many of the people around me. And frankly it's not worth getting my opinion out just to be shunned by my classmates, not because I don't believe in it, I do, but I figure, why make enemies when you don't have to? I hate conflict, and unless I'm in a bad mood I'll try and avoid it, I don't think it's worth it.
Does it make me a hypocrite? I don't think so. I think that the people around me do stupid things, and I think so, but I stil hang out with them (between lessons anyway) because, well, it's easier than being alone. I can deal with being alone, I'm alone alot, but, well, I don't HAVE to, so why force it? Anyway, if I told them I thought they were stupid it wouldn't exactly make me alot of friends, and I gain nothing from letting them know even if it IS the truth, sad thing is the truth, truly, is the hardest thing to accept. Thankfully I've learnt to accept the truth in every form, so now if someone comes up to me and tells me I'm ugly, after I punch them, I'd say 'Yes, I know, I tell myself that every day, what's your point?'
I realized today I'm alone alot. I'm not sure if I should be depressed by it, I think I mildly am, not because I FEEL alone, but because the THOUGHT that I'm alone alot should be a depressing thing, only thing is, I'm NOT depressed by the fact that I'm alone alot, I vaguely feel depressed because isn't that what you're supposed to feel, if you're alone alot?
I know, I'm ranting, going off on a tangent and on the verge of getting angsty. I'm not trying to, truly. Just wanted to get that off my chest.
Anyway, I'm never alone, because I have Jesus :)
Sometimes I do wish people read my journal. Because I'd like to know what people thought about what I thought. It would be nice to have an INTELLIGENT opinion, but chances are I'll just get stupid comments if I DO get comments. Which I know I won't.
But, thing is. Most of the time, I don't care about this journal. Because, well, haha, I just don't write here enough to care. It's just somewhere for me to rant when I feel like it.
Okay, I really should study.
But Gregory the most.
After Jesus that is.
Today, an amazing thing happened. So amazing it made me write in you, dear diary, after a month long hiatus (it's been almost exactly a month too!).
I. Did. The Vacuuming. That's right. Vacuuming.
And what's more, not only did I vacuum my room, I vacuumed the WHOLE HOUSE (I figured it'd be kinda rude to do just my room and not the rest and ended up doing the whole house).
The last time I vacuumed my room was, well, actually I can't even remember the last time I vacuumed my room, let alone the WHOLE HOUSE. It's already starting to look like it's going to rain, and I'm not even kidding.
Here's a list of stuff I discovered while vacuuming for the first time (PROPERLY!) in I think a few years:
List of Stuff I Discovered While Vacuuming for the First Time (PROPERLY) in I Think a Few Years
1. It's harder than it looks. It's not dificult or anything, just, well not super easy. And it takes EFFORT, I was close to breaking out into sweat!
2. I suck at vacuuming.
3. There's a black bag in the living room in which I'm convinced my father had hidden a dead body in.
4. My house would be a pretty good place to hide a dead body in.
5. A hair clip that had gone missing a few months ago (and I had already forgotten all about except sporadically when I need it) was under the couch all along. I'm too lazy to go get it so chances are by the next time I'm looking for it I'd have forgotten it was there.
6. 5 cents.
7. Not tying your hair while vacuuming in hot humid Singapore is a bad idea, even if it's short (slightly above shoulder length).
8. There is nothing quite as satisfying as walking on clean, dust free floor tiles.
No, this has nothing to do with the Spider-man (with a hyphen people!) character (I don't like Kirsten Durnst by e way, nor can I spell her last name, or care enough to check it).
|My new dream shoes|
I'm in such a Mary Janes phase right now, and I think these are so cute!!! Argh!!!
eNeuHAND Liquid Hand Soap
With highly foaming booster to produce luxurious lather while it cleans.
DIRECTIONS TO USE:
Apply NeuHAND to hands.
Rib hand thoroughly.
Add water to work up a lather.
Rinse hands clean thoroughly
NeuHAND is not considered hazardous under present T.D.G.A regulations
Avoids contact with eyes. If ... copious amounts of water...
Today (or yesterday) was my dad's birthday so naturally my and my brother each got him a birthday card...
So, a message to Hallmark:
WHY do you feel it necessary to print the price of the card ONTO the back of the card????